Maybe this is why I'm single.

I started to think recently of why I am single. Its a pretty new thing for me. Since I was in a relationship for 5 years.  And I did believe at that time I was in love. And still yet to this day believe I was. But one trend that seems to keep popping up over and over in my mind is. Why am I still single!  After pondering it a bit I think I finally have an answer for myself. Maybe even a few answers for myself. One answer being. I'm picky. And this isn't to come off as shallow by any means. But I can not just become magically interested in something that just does not excite me. Physically or Psychologically. Being picky has limited my sources of finding a girlfriend by so much. And I do wish I could change it. Because I have met some really nice girls. That up front seemed to have the best intentions (though that always seems to change) And this is to not say that I have not tried to force myself into meeting someone even if they fall below my standards. And thing is. I am aware I am not the best looking person in the world. But that does not mean I can not go forth and say that I wont settle for what I don't want. I keep believing that even though I am single now and will not settle for this. It will aid me in the long run. Because when I do meet the person I really do like. It will be just right. And have more of a chance to jet start and not come back down for fuel. 

Another reason I seem to be having is. I built up so many walls during the fall of my last relationship. And this is not by any means to come off as a crying sob story. But during this time I was low. Mentally I was drained.    I was tired. I did feel like I couldn't move on. And I do find it so odd that one person could cause this reaction. Though I did finally get myself back into shape to a certain degree. I'm now stuck with a closed off view towards relationships and at the same time a want for another one. I will admit I am afraid to commit. For obvious reasons. Sometimes I think that it is better to be alone for the simple fact that you know what you build for yourself in your life will always stand and not run away. Though Its still that lonely feeling of not being able to share anything with someone. Before when I was proud I accomplished something or even learnt a new recipe for dinner that night. I had someone to share this with. Who took a genuine interest in what I had to say. Now I just walk around with what few friends I managed to keep after the break up. Because most of them were her friends. Because Ive only ever had just a few friends because I think its better than having a brother by your side rather than just some name in a phone or on a facebook wall. It is a helpless feeling when you are alone. Because everything you do. Is just for yourself. And when you lay down to sleep. That empty spot will always remind you. That its just you.

Another reason I do believe that I can not find a girl is for the simple reason. I really dislike people. Not all people don't get me wrong. But most people will stomp all over you to get what they want in return. Again with the maybe its better to be alone thing. But still yet I cant force myself into large groups of people that are expecting me to be something more than a body. 

I feel like I really have no purpose in life. Nothing more than just to wake up and go about my life unnoticed. I often look at people walking down the street and wonder what their story is. Maybe they feel the same way. I see single people walking and wonder if they want something more. And even sometimes I can see a couple look at each other and you can tell that fire has died. And they are not what they used to be. But are so desperate to cling onto what they once felt for each other.

I don't regret having a relationship that failed. I was given so many life lessons during that time. I was taught what it really meant to care about someone. What it meant to hate. And what it meant. To let go. 

But for these lessons to become of any value. I must trudge into life once again. Head held high. And a desire that can't be matched. To find happiness once again. But to be honest. We will never know what truly makes us happy. Until its gone.

      Happy blogging guys