Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Maybe this is why I'm single.

I started to think recently of why I am single. Its a pretty new thing for me. Since I was in a relationship for 5 years.  And I did believe at that time I was in love. And still yet to this day believe I was. But one trend that seems to keep popping up over and over in my mind is. Why am I still single!  After pondering it a bit I think I finally have an answer for myself. Maybe even a few answers for myself. One answer being. I'm picky. And this isn't to come off as shallow by any means. But I can not just become magically interested in something that just does not excite me. Physically or Psychologically. Being picky has limited my sources of finding a girlfriend by so much. And I do wish I could change it. Because I have met some really nice girls. That up front seemed to have the best intentions (though that always seems to change) And this is to not say that I have not tried to force myself into meeting someone even if they fall below my standards. And thing is. I am aware I am not the best looking person in the world. But that does not mean I can not go forth and say that I wont settle for what I don't want. I keep believing that even though I am single now and will not settle for this. It will aid me in the long run. Because when I do meet the person I really do like. It will be just right. And have more of a chance to jet start and not come back down for fuel. 

Another reason I seem to be having is. I built up so many walls during the fall of my last relationship. And this is not by any means to come off as a crying sob story. But during this time I was low. Mentally I was drained.    I was tired. I did feel like I couldn't move on. And I do find it so odd that one person could cause this reaction. Though I did finally get myself back into shape to a certain degree. I'm now stuck with a closed off view towards relationships and at the same time a want for another one. I will admit I am afraid to commit. For obvious reasons. Sometimes I think that it is better to be alone for the simple fact that you know what you build for yourself in your life will always stand and not run away. Though Its still that lonely feeling of not being able to share anything with someone. Before when I was proud I accomplished something or even learnt a new recipe for dinner that night. I had someone to share this with. Who took a genuine interest in what I had to say. Now I just walk around with what few friends I managed to keep after the break up. Because most of them were her friends. Because Ive only ever had just a few friends because I think its better than having a brother by your side rather than just some name in a phone or on a facebook wall. It is a helpless feeling when you are alone. Because everything you do. Is just for yourself. And when you lay down to sleep. That empty spot will always remind you. That its just you.

Another reason I do believe that I can not find a girl is for the simple reason. I really dislike people. Not all people don't get me wrong. But most people will stomp all over you to get what they want in return. Again with the maybe its better to be alone thing. But still yet I cant force myself into large groups of people that are expecting me to be something more than a body. 

I feel like I really have no purpose in life. Nothing more than just to wake up and go about my life unnoticed. I often look at people walking down the street and wonder what their story is. Maybe they feel the same way. I see single people walking and wonder if they want something more. And even sometimes I can see a couple look at each other and you can tell that fire has died. And they are not what they used to be. But are so desperate to cling onto what they once felt for each other.

I don't regret having a relationship that failed. I was given so many life lessons during that time. I was taught what it really meant to care about someone. What it meant to hate. And what it meant. To let go

But for these lessons to become of any value. I must trudge into life once again. Head held high. And a desire that can't be matched. To find happiness once again. But to be honest. We will never know what truly makes us happy. Until its gone.

      Happy blogging guys

17 comments:

  1. Keep your head up man. I know sometimes it can be tough especially if your last relationship was heavy. I went through something similar recently, I've bounced back lately and am feeling a lot better. Good luck

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very interesting points you bring up...I sincerely hope you find someone.

    ReplyDelete
  3. There is someone out there for everybody, trust me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. You've always got to keep looking for that one person that is perfect for you. The one that will make you feel complete. You can't give up on that, ever.

    And don't ever feel like you have no purpose in life. We all have a purpose, and that is simply to live. As long as you are experiencing life, you are serving a purpose. Whether you experience heartache, disappointment, or loneliness, just remember that it is better than feeling absolutely nothing at all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Been there, done that, believe me...loneliness and isolation not only sucks, it is a detriment to your physical, emotional and psychological health.

    I drifted aimlessly for 30 years without a real purpose, until I was challenged on it by an ex. I am not overly religious, but I actually prayed at that point with the question "What is my purpose?" I immediately received an answer, and started using my talents to do some things I never thought I could accomplish before.

    As long as I pursued that purpose, life and relationships improved dramatically, and through it was later introduced to the woman that I married who understood and appreciated what my purpose is.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for all the comments guys. This was something that had just been eating at me for a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  7. congratulations on 50+!

    I think the less you dwell on relationships, and not being in one, etc., the more likely you are to find someone you will really get along with.

    Really it is just stumbling upon someone who lets you be effortlessly comfortable, while at the same time attracting you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. keep at it man, you'll find someone eventually.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Takes a while to get used to being single again, after being in a long relationship. You'll learn to open up again, just keep your head up.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Don't worry. Life always comes around to some degree. You just have to look out for the time when things are in your favor.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Relationships can be hard. I think you should be picky. There's nothign wrong with knowing what you want. Good luck, dude.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Stop, Andro. This isn't the place to take something in, just to throw out.
    The net is an ocean in which you can come and puke, but it's almost always bad to drink the water.

    ReplyDelete